Dear Fellow Hermits…

Read Time: 8 minutes

 

Dear Fellow Hermits,

 

Before I get into this, let me start by assuring you that I am in fact one of you.

 

I really need you to understand this, because I know how infuriating it can be to hear from extroverts about how you should be living, and how you should talk more, and see the world, and all of the other bullshit you see in a college brochure.  

 

I know just hearing that from an extrovert makes you want to just….just…go to your room and close your door and not talk to anybody (since, you know, that’s kind of the default).

 

I know you won’t listen to that from a normal person, because I sure as hell never have.  So I felt the need to lay all of this out, because I’m about to call you on your shit, and I first need you to know that I’m truly one of you, and that this is coming from a place of life experience, love for you, and disdain for myself.

 

So here it is: My Hermit Resume

So given my credentials, here’s what I want to say.You’ve got to fucking stop doing this.

 

Look, I know there are 10 billion articles out there heralding the power of introverts.  I know, because I’ve read all 10 billion of them while repeatedly patting myself on the back.

 

And yes, we do have certain strengths that aren’t immediately apparent, and that’s all great, and I’m not saying you have to lose sight of that.

 

But we’re getting a little too comfy in our caves, and it’s becoming time for us to call ourselves out on this shit.

 

I know you like to think that you’re one of like, ten true hermits in the world, and all of them are just misunderstood snowflakes in their rooms right now, writing, inventing, and drawing up plans to save the world, and that none are just sad people you haven’t heard of before, because in no way will that be (or is that) you.  But thanks to the internet, there are more hermits than ever, and many of us are losing control of our lives without even knowing it.

 

That sounds dramatic, but it’s also true.  

 

I can tell you, from years upon years of experience, that being a full on hermit has fucked me over in so many ways that I can’t count.

 

But I’ll try to count them now.  Here are all of the reasons why you should consider exiting the cave every now and then and balancing out your life.

In small enough doses, getting inside your own brain is a great way to form ideas about the world and to develop as an individual, and that’s why these areas are often strengths of introverts.

In large doses, all living in your head does is develop your knowledge about the inside of your own ass.  

 

Let’s put it like this: You know those people you rip on in your message boards all the time?  You know, those ones who watch the Kardashians, or party constantly, or obsess over how they look on Instagram–these people who use celebrity news, alcohol, and Photoshop to escape reality because they’re too weak to handle it?

 

Yeah, you’re an unshowered version of them.  You’re doing the same exact thing in a different way.

 

Habitually living in your head, ultimately, is escapism.  It’s you leaving the real world for your own reality that you like better.If instead of basing your thoughts on experiences and interaction, you’re just in your head playing racquetball–bouncing theories off of other theories and saying “Great hit!” to yourself, you are 100% going to develop a view of the world that’s prone to imagination, mistruth, and ridiculous, idiotic bias.

 

If you avoid the real world, you can’t thrive in it.  And eventually this will fuck up any plan you might have for a prosperous relationship, career advancement, or putting any of your stupid plans into action.

 

And before you say, “That’s fine, I have no plans.  I’m happy with the way things are,” really, really, really think about how true that actually is.  

 

Picture yourself waking up in 5, 10, 20 years in the exact same position you’re in now with no progress made in any area of your life, and ask yourself if that thought doesn’t terrify you a little.Imagine being 56 and still living on a message board with no future prospects, no close relationships, an encyclopedic knowledge of porn, and wondering what the hell happened to most of your life.

 

The good news is that won’t happen, because regardless of what you want, life will eventually pull you into the outside world.Essentially, hermits are all caterpillars snuggled up in our cocoons.

Except the problem is that caterpillars don’t get an option to stay in their cocoons forever if they want to.  Eventually, no matter what, your wings burst out, and you enter reality.  And when that happens to you, you’re going to freak the fuck out, flying haphazardly, and bumping into walls going “Shit!  What do I do?  What happens now?  Ow!  What do I–fuck!  AHHH!”  

Being a hermit leaves you horrendously prepared for the outside world, so when you are forced into it, you will absolutely panic and freak out.  And when that happens, you’ll wish you had a friend.

2) Friends: Apparently They’ll Be There For You

 

When you’re finally forced to step out into that fucked up world, like it or not, friends turn out to be relatively useful.

 

They can be there when the dam on your emotions breaks and you start to lose your shit, or when you need a job, or when you need someone to confirm that the thought in your head is actually funny and that you’re not just an awkward lunatic (usually the answer to me is “No, it’s not, and yes you are,” but at least I get confirmation).

 

Friends can keep you from going off the deep end, or when you do, they can jump in with you and take you to shore–even when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

 

I know the idea that you don’t need people is cozy and empowering, but it’s also total bullshit, and you’re living in denial.

 

So okay, you do need people, but this doesn’t address the bigger issue.  Why don’t you want to be around people?  Why are there more hermits than ever?  What can we do about this?

3) Friends: More Entertaining Than Friends…Eventually

 

When tackling why introverts prefer to not be near people, there’s often a lot of terminology used about what energizes you, and inner workings of your brain, and preferences, but it’s actually simpler than that: If you’re a true introvert, most people just fucking bore you to tears.

 

That’s why they sap energy from you.  It’s because dedicating a lot of energy to something that bores a person will sap anyone’s energy.

 

But the problem with other people isn’t that they’re actually boring.  It’s that they’re incredibly, mind-numbingly boring at first.

 

Until you find a common wavelength and break through that seal of awkwardness, they are drying paint.  They are a bad opera.  They are a pile of discarded wood.

 

Finding the common wavelength rarely happens for us though, because part of being a hardcore introvert is that our wavelength isn’t based as much on our shared experience as people, and more on the weird detours our brain takes us on.  This means our wavelengths are out in the woods hanging out with owls somewhere.

 

Also it’s unrequired work.  You have to choose to go through the living, breathing CSPAN that is interacting with strangers instead of turning to all of the tools of entertainment you have at your disposal in our modern world: Netflix, TV, video games, porn, cheese, and Legos.

 

When you don’t feel a need to have people around, that’s no contest.  You’ll pick the quick entertainment every single time, and this is the main reason why there are more hermits than ever.  There are just so many options that are more immediately satisfying than an unfamiliar conversation.  It’s an attention deficit problem as much as anything.

 

But people are an investment, and you have to keep that in mind.  When you put time into them, and you really try to make connections, they can pay off in spades.

 

Sure you have to put up with the snoozefest that is a stranger until the relationship reaches its potential, but you really should put up with it, because people close to you are really, truly the best form of entertainment you could ever ask for.  They run circles around everything else.

 

There is nothing funnier than a great inside joke with a deep basis in who the people involved are.  No Tweet, comedy special, or Simpsons line fucking touches it.

And when you don’t want to be around anyone, and you believe no one wants to be around you, and you could literally watch 100 different porn videos a day for the rest of your life without repeating one, sure, I get the temptation to say “Looks like it’s just you and me, righty.”

But think about all of the fantasy worlds you partake in–wizards, goblins, interplanetary war games, vampires, and sex.One of these things is not like the other in that, you know, IT’S REAL!

 

Think about that.  Sex is literally the only thing that you fantasize about that can actually happen!  It’s like being transported to the Star Wars universe, except instead of a galaxy far, far away, it’s more like the set of Fuck Dolls 14.

 

And all you need to do to make a literal fantasy come true is leave the house and find someone who enjoys your company.  It won’t be easy at first because you’re, you know, you, but for a fantasy coming true, it’s really, really worth it.

 

 

Allow me to backtrack slightly here.  I’m not saying that finding comfort in solitude is a bad thing.  It’s not.  And neither is being a homebody, or spending some time in your own brain.  

But no one has ever changed the world spending their life exclusively inside.  Anne Frank is the only exception to this, but she had stories about hiding from the most horrific force of the last century.  You have stories about Warcraft raids and the time you accidentally masturbated to a hermaphrodite.  It’s not the same.  

 

So I’m just saying you need some balance.  You can’t spend your whole life being one way, and living in one mode, just as extroverts can’t spend their whole lives interacting without reflection and bigger thoughts.  As you well know, this same lack of balance makes them terrible in their own way.

 

You’re fucked up, hardcore extroverts are fucked up, and we all need to find a way closer to each other.  I know, other people exhaust you.  They exhaust me too.  They vacuum seal the energy from my body, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I get back to my car by myself.

 

BUT THIS IS BAD.  I SHOULD WORK ON THIS MORE, AND SO SHOULD YOU. 

 

I may be an introvert, but using this label on myself as an excuse to lead an unbalanced life is bullshit.You’re not just a hermit.  You’re in bad social shape.  You’re easily exhausted by social interaction, and you need to do some cardio.  You and I will never have a six pack of social skills, but we can at least improve our conditioning.

 

That doesn’t mean you have to do things you don’t like.  That means you have to try harder to find things and people you love–which means putting up with some moments you don’t like. 

 

And it doesn’t mean you have to change who you are.  It’s not like I’m a social butterfly now.  I’ve simply brought my awkward, introverted self to the outside world, and found some of what is out there for me.  

 

You exist within the context of everything else.   And if you don’t take some part in that, it kind of means you don’t exactly exist.  It’s more like there’s just a vacuum of resources in your bedroom that hates people, masturbates a lot, and smells like feet.

 

So I implore you, please get out there and get some perspective.  Living out there gives you more to reflect on, and people give you a context for your reflections.  It enriches your introversion and your imagination.

 

So let’s not totally change who we are.  Let’s merely bring that person out into the world and give them a solid basis for who they are.  Let’s exist together.  Let’s try, for a little bit, to find some balance.

 

Sincerely,

 

Will