I’ve been talking to this guy for like two months, and he’s just always jerking me around. He’ll say he’s super into me, then ignore my texts for like 4 days, and say, “Sorry, busy” and leave it at that. Then he’ll go back to talking about how great I am. I don’t want to be treated like this, but here’s the annoying thing: it also keeps me more interested, which I hate. What should I do about this asshole?
There’s a reason the famous pickup artist book is so popular, and there’s a reason it’s literally called “The Game.” The guy is playing games with you, and it’s working.
The good news is that there is a very simple way for it to stop working. You just stop seeing him. Quit it. Go away. Fuck someone else. Snapchat you fucking that other person to the guy if it makes you feel better (Hint: Probably don’t do that actually.).
Think of it like this: a guy jerking you around like this isn’t the only reason you’re attracted to him, right? So you can be attracted to guys who don’t play this bullshit Tom and Jerry game with you. You can find guys you’re interested in who don’t have to pull stupid bullshit like this.
So walk away. Go find someone else who isn’t a butthole. There are plenty of non-butthole men out there.
Look the guys that do this aren’t evil, and they aren’t predators, but they’re douches because they’re phonies. They communicate someone who isn’t who they really are out into the world in the name of winning over your body. When you look at any human interaction as a game to win, you’re going to be a giant loser no matter what.
Nothing good really comes of this behavior. This interaction is bad for the women they do this to, the state of male-female relationships, and even the men themselves in the long run because they lose sight of, and therefore comfort with being who they really are.
The ego boost he gets from hooking up with you is really an ego boost to this bullshit facade he’s putting on, and he can never truly enjoy it. Sure he can get some, but on some level, he’ll be dying inside.
Basically, it’s bad for everyone involved except the guy’s dick. His dick is very happy, and is getting exactly what it wants, but as a guy with a dick, I can tell you that that’s often a terrible sign for the good of humanity.
But again, there’s only one way for this behavior to stop--you cannot reward it. I know you want to reward. I know the more he jerks you around, the more you want him.
And you know what? Tough. The fact of the matter is that guys have these methods at their disposal that tend to work sometimes for getting laid, and being their awful, awkward selves almost never works. So guess what? These methods are seen as gold in a guy’s hands. You’re not just going to get them to stop because it’s kinda douchey of them. They’ll stop when it doesn’t work.
Most guys won’t do anything genuinely horrendous to get laid. But fuck with a girl’s feelings? Get her attention with nefarious means, and then drop her to make her feel unworthy, and therefore more likely to come back to him? Hell yes. Lots of them will do that.
Sorry, having a dick does weird things to you. But if you stop rewarding it, at least you won’t have to deal with it.
I keep telling myself I’m a writer, and I have nothing to show for it. I feel like an idiot. I start projects, and then never complete them. I have ideas I get excited about for a few days and then I never finish them. What can I do to stop being such a hypocrite?
You poor thing. You’ve subscribed to the awful “Tell yourself this is true until it is,” mantra, and look what it’s doing to you.
Here’s a prime example of what is wrong with a lot of positive affirmations. You tell yourself you’re a writer so much that you get just enough of the feeling of pride that comes with being a writer to feel good about it.
This means that you don’t really have to crave the feeling that comes with actually completing the writing, because you’re already getting your fill of it.
So here’s a thought: stop that.
You have a new goal now, and it’s this: real, visceral pride based on actions. You now have a goal to actually prove to yourself who you are. You have a goal to stop being a fraud, and to be proud of it.
Look forward to the day when you can prance through the streets shouting, “I’m not a fraud! I’m not a fraud! I actually did something I’m proud of!” You won’t even care that your crush saw you and thought you were psychotic. The pride will be overpowering!
Or, conversely, consider this as another option: maybe this isn’t who you are.
That’s a scary idea. I know. Being a writer would be so cool. You’d be seen as smart and insightful, and deep, and everyone would worship you (except lol not really).
But why are you pursuing this if you don’t consistently enjoy it--if you are constantly finding ways to avoid it? If your soul is not calling you to do it, then it’s really not going to get you anything that you want. It’s not investment banking. It’s not worth forcing yourself to do because it’s going to bring you a bunch of other rewards. Writing is worth pursuing as an occupation only if it rewards your soul--if you feel more whole, or figured out, or less like stabbing a baby after you do it.
So ask yourself if it really does that, and if it’s really worth continuing.
Frankly, from an outsider’s perspective, it doesn’t seem like your soul gives a shit. Having ideas and getting briefly excited about them doesn’t make you a writer. It makes you a vaguely creative person. Having an idea, and obsessing over it until it’s perfectly communicated (to the point where your friends are like ,”Dude, calm down,”) is what makes you a writer.
Step back and consider this for a bit. Is this really who you are? Could you just vaguely flesh out ideas, stop hating yourself, and find some other shit to do that you enjoy, or at least a profession won’t leave you broke and eating Spagghetios for breakfast for the rest of your life? Could you find a new identity that isn’t based around something you don’t entirely want to do?
Think about it.
My mom is so overbearing, and I’m reaching a breaking point. I’ve been out of college for a few months now, and it’s like I’m still ten. She’s constantly checking up on me, constantly helicoptering, and I feel like I can’t say anything to her about it. It will break her heart. I feel like I want to tell her to fuck off a little, but I could never build up the nerve. What should I do?
First things first: your instinct there isn’t totally wrong. If you’re going to tell your mom to fuck off, try to be polite about it.
Secondly, it’s a good sign that you feel this way. That’s part of being a good mom, is that at times, your kids are going to want to tell you to fuck off a little.
So first of all, that may not be a bad idea. Inform her of how great she is because of how much you want her to go away. That shows she cares too much, and that’s a great problem to have.
Otherwise, here is what you do. Write down a completely uncensored, unfiltered, unrepentant, “fuck off” letter to your mom. Write down everything you can’t fucking stand about her, and how she’s constantly hovering over you, and how you don’t feel like you can properly develop as a person because of her insanity. Write it in vile, hateful, aggressive language. Word vomit everything that’s currently making you sick. Vent, vent, vent, vent, vent.
Then make like a major TV network exec and go in and censor the shit out of your letter. Phrase all of your vitriol as kindly as you possibly can. From the sounds of it, your mother has earned that from you. Give her the decency of a severely toned down fuck off letter. She doesn’t need to read the unedited version of, “Stop breathing down my fucking neck. You’re ruining my life.”
Make sure she gets your point (but you know, not THAT much) that she needs to go away for a while, and let her know that if she keeps trying to find you, that you can’t find yourself.
This letter (or simply saying out loud a version of the letter) is the start of a conversation. Have a back and forth, keep a cool head, speak your truth, but word everything as kindly as possible.
There is no conversation you should not be able to have with your parents. But phrasing, tone, and intent make all the difference in the world. You can adjust this however you want based on how you want to communicate, but a ratio of 10 “I love yous” to 1, “But go away,” is a good starting point.
If you'd like to receive some brutally honest, tough love, borderline assholeish advice, fell free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.