By 
Just as a casual reminder: There are children in third world countries whose drinking water is contaminated with petroleum, human poo, and blood from when their mother stepped on a land mine, who are happier right now than a girl at her MTV Sweet 16 who got a C-Class Mercedes when she really wanted an E-Class.
That’s a completely true sentiment that we forget about sometimes, and we really shouldn’t, because here’s a harsh little piece of reality: Happiness is completely relative, there’s a spectrum of that relative happiness, and pretty much everyone reading this right now is a hell of a lot closer to that 16-year-old.
But it’s not Sweet 16 girl’s fault. Being spoiled is a condition. It’s something that someone does to you, and since there is no affluenza vaccine yet, there’s not much you can do about it–especially when you’re young.
Once we become spoiled, we don’t know how to recover from it. We can know how terrible the world is, and how great ours is all we want, but that doesn’t mean we can just start feeling it. We can know that babies in other countries get raped and die of AIDS, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’re 31 and STILL don’t have a mansion in the hills and this is all fucking bullshit, man.
But contrary to popular belief, being spoiled is not about not getting what you want. Think about it. We all want to win the lottery. We daydream about it, and all of the problems it would solve. It’s a fantasy we all have. So why aren’t we devastated when it doesn’t happen? Because we don’t expect it to happen.
So being spoiled isn’t about what you want, but what you think you’re going to get. It’s about life not going according to plan. It’s not that Sweet 16 girl, in that moment, decided she wanted an E-Class instead of a C-Class. It’sthat she planned on the E-Class. In her mind, she already had the E-Class. It was already on her Insta with 120 Likes and counting and it was taken from her. That’s what being spoiled is.
Once we imagine our lives with very specific things and experiences, we can’t get it out of our heads, and we crave them. It’s just like any other craving, like for pizza or heroin, except it’s with things like promotions, or 3 bedroom townhouses, or stable families–things that take time, effort, and usually some luck to obtain.
The result of this is that, no matter what happens, until you get the things you expect, you go through your whole life with this constant dissatisfaction because you can’t stop thinking, “I still really want some pizza.”
So…shit. Is there a way to un-spoil ourselves? Is there a way to not be so miserably enslaved to our own expectations? I think so. We are totally broken as people, but broken things can be fixed.
So step back, stretch a little, and get some perspective. Now, make a list. Go on. Grab a pen and paper.
Write down everything you need in order to be happy. It can be shallow, or silly, or whatever as long as you really feel like you need it. So write it all down–everything from a specific life partner, to where you want to live, or visit, to what kind of car you want–whatever you think is absolutely necessary for your own happiness. Make the list. I’ll wait.
Okay, now this part is important. Take that list, fold it neatly in half, and wipe your ass with it.
(Don’t actually. That would be weird.)
I’m not saying that your list has stupid things on it (although, probably). Maybe these things would make you happy, and there are no wrong answers there. Some of us are made happy by a fulfillment of potential, some by a contribution towards society, and some of us just fuckin’ love Apple Jacks, and that’s all okay.
And goals are certainly not the problem. Having goals is awesome. In fact, make ten goals and start working towards them right now.
The problem becomes when people think something is necessary–where they won’t be happy unless they achieve or obtain that thing. “I won’t be happy until I have my suburban house, and a couple of little people that look like me.” “I won’t be happy until I get promoted from being a drone up to being in charge of the drones.” “I won’t be happy until after I’ve motorboated a tribeswoman in Zimbabwe.”
Let’s be perfectly clear: There is not a trip, not a car, not a house, not a job, not a location, not a blender, and not a single solitary human being in the universe that you need in order to be happy.
Having any absolute standard for happiness–whether it be that you require a family, or a thing, or a job–is bullshit. It demeans and oversimplifies you, and the entire idea of human happiness.
Our ability to find fulfillment and joy in nearly infinite things might be our greatest gift we have as humans. Whales can’t enjoy video games. Carpenter ants don’t like crocheting. Show an elephant a romantic comedy and he’ll be like, “Fuck you. I don’t give a shit about that.”
But you’re an infinite being. You’re constantly discovering yourself and the world. You have an incredible, unique power to find happiness in a million places! And between your spouse, your two friends, your one kinda hobby, your favorite TV show, and jerking off, you’ve considered like six of them.
Oh, you can’t be happy unless you become a singer? Bullshit. You are a vast, complex, tapestry of the human condition, and there is way more to you than making musical notes with your throat.
Maybe you really like working in Excel and would love a data entry job, but you’ve told yourself over and over that deskjobs are for losers, so you think that will make you unhappy.
Well you’re fucking wrong. The only jobs that are for losers are if you play for the Washington Generals. That’s a weird reference, but I’m sticking with it.
The point is that just because something isn’t outrageous, or even conventionally cool, doesn’t mean you can’t feel joy when doing it, and because you do it. Wake the fuck up.
Sad about a breakup? Go rock climbing. Don’t like rock climbing? Get into Breaking Bad. Eat a pie. Start a journal. Take a trip. Fuck somebody else who you’ll immediately regret fucking.
Deep down, you know there is no single person who you need in order to be happy. That’s ludicrous. I don’t care how high or specific your standards are. There are well over 7 billion people. The dude you happened to meet in your college linguistics class is not the only one who can make you smile a lot.
There is not one item–one car, or house, or commissioned naked mural–that you need to be happy. There is nothing out there that you, or anyone is above. There are a million amazing things out there, and there is no one thing that signifies that you “made it” any more than a sign made with scratch paper and a hotel pen that reads, “I dun made it.” Stop trying buy proof of this.
The attitude that you need anything or anyone is not only nonsense, it’s harmful.
The most obvious reason it’s harmful is you might not get this thing you’re expecting, and boy, wouldn’t that suck. I guess you can’t be happy forever now because you could never afford your 7-series. Forever depression for you. Congrats on your high standards, idiot. I mean imagine that being your life. Imagine being 94 on your deathbed, after a life of family and adventure, frowning because you never got your kitchen with granite countertops.
Of course that never happens, because we eventually realize how stupid it was to worry about that, so why don’t we save ourselves decades of sulking and stop worrying now?
Your plans and expectations also keep you from being happy and enjoying what you have right now. You have a computer. You have a phone. You have endless food. And most importantly, you have possibilities. As long as your heart is beating and your brain is functioning above the level of a toaster, you can make anything happen, and that’s incredible, and you should love the shit out of that, because you don’t even fucking deserve any of it.
And eventually, this approach can encourage a lack of ambition. You get the house and the car you want, and then what? You’re just good? You’re done trying to find new streams of happiness? You’re done trying to accomplish more? Fuck that. Wallowing in excess and wallowing in misery are both fucking boring, they both stagnate your life, and they’ll both eventually make you hate everything.
And there’s a very good reason why wallowing in joy doesn’t work, and ends in spoiled depression: happiness–in all forms–is only momentary. Everything gets old eventually, or makes you miserable at times (except for memory foam. That is literally the only exception to this.)
We act as if happiness is a plateau to reach–like we need to complete a checklist, a scavenger hunt of life, and then wearrive in Happyland and we get to stay there forever. But the fact of the matter is that happiness is nothing but anemotion like any other. It’s momentary. It stops by to say hi, and then immediately fades. Eventually Happyland closes and you have to get the fuck out.
So the best thing we can do for ourselves is to try to string together as many individual moments of happiness as we can, and the best way to do that is to be more open to what will make us happy. If we always seek to find joy in things we hadn’t expected, then we can’t get spoiled with what we have at the moment, and we can’t become miserable 16-year-olds as a result.
So always look for the positive. Remember that if you look at every letdown as an opportunity, then you can never lose momentum. You can constantly adjust and keep pursuing what’s in front of you. If you don’t ever stay down when youdon’t get the promotion or the dream house, then nothing can really kill you (Well, your soul. It can’t kill your soul. You could totally like get stabbed or something.).
This is how we stop feeling unsatisfied, and how we can un-spoil ourselves–not by no longer wanting the things we want, but by also being open to what we currently assume is stupid or lame. We do it by seeking out the good in every circumstance. We do it by experiencing new things, knowing full well that if these new things suck, we can simply never do them again.
And mostly, we do it by incinerating our plans, because the truth is, life doesn’t give a shit about your plans. There are another 7 billion people out there all trying to execute their plans, and sometimes, that’s bound to end with one of them dropping a turd in your punch bowl. So if you want to live the life you envision, then just envision what’s in front of you, and learn to appreciate that, and make the best of it.
And instead of plans, make goals, and go for them, and work hard and be better, but also be ready to change. Be ready to take a detour. There’s a lot of cool shit out there, and as soon as you realize that, finding it becomes super easy, and it makes missing out on your dream life not only bearable, but exciting.
Or instead of doing all of this, you could just buy a memory foam mattress and spend all of your time there, and theneverything will always be great all the time. Up to you.
