How to Win Arguments and Change People​

Wanting to change the world is a good thing.  For the better, at least.  I should probably specify that.  Wanting to purify a race, or throw a disease in the mix–those things suck.  Maybe think twice about those.  But wanting to improve what we’ve got here, and convince others to believe in what you think is right, is a good, noble thing.

But nobody wants to be one of those people.  You know who I’m talking about.  They’re the 10 people who take up your entire Facebook feeds.  They show you pictures of dead fetuses and dead animals.  If you happen to disagree with them, they hurl buzzwords like “problematic” and “patriotic” at you like you’re playing dodgeball.  They’re those people.

The problem with these people is NOT that they’re annoying.  If that’s your problem with them, then what the fuck.  Block them.  De-friend them.  Throw your computer out the window.  You have your options, and they’re all incredibly easy.

The real problem with these people is that nobody who disagrees with them wants to listen to them, which renders their efforts entirely pointless.

I mean sure, keyboard activism works if you want to ruin someone’s life for saying something you don’t like, or if you want back-slapping approval from your sycophantic echo chamber, but as far as actually changing peoples’ minds?  Not so much, and there are several reasons why.

People talk about how the religious are so defensive about their beliefs, and that’s true.

But also, duh.  That’s all of us with everything.  We treasure all of our beliefs as if they were handed down from God.  Having any preconceived notion challenged scares us to death.  Even if done respectfully, it’s often interpreted as an attack on us as people.

“What, you think I’m wrong?  So you think I’m so stupid that I am unable to properly evaluate the world?  Fuck off.  You’re brain-shaming me, and I don’t have to listen to it.”

It sounds unbelievably immature, but it’s how most of the world is, and that includes you.  If you don’t believe me, ask yourself when the last time you admitted you were wrong was.

Go on.  Do it.  And I don’t mean about, “Oh yeah, I did leave my keys next to the microwave.”  I mean, have you ever admitted (out loud) that you were wrong about any real, core beliefs?

Of course you haven’t.  We basically never do, because to challenge our beliefs is to challenge a part of us.  It’s to confront the terrifying reality that we actually know nothing, that the world around us is a chaotic, uncontrollable clusterfuck, and that pretending to know a lot doesn’t make us smarter than others.

If we want to change peoples’ minds, we need to fundamentally change the way we talk to each other, and the way we view correctness.  So here are some ways we can do that.

We don’t argue in person much any more.  Usually now, when someone says a strong opinion, most of us just kind of nod quietly at dinner, and think, “WOW.  Okay grandpa.  Good thing we’ve only got another five years before that opinion leaves the earth.”

This is because we know arguments themselves are inherently useless.  Everyone involved just digs their heels more into their side, and makes Thanksgiving awkward, and you contemplate faking a turkey-coma just so you can avoid looking at your racist Uncle Todd until he stumbles back to his condo.

Arguments always rapidly devolve into childish one-upmanship.  In an argument, you don’t convince anyone of anything.  You just stare at your opponent and angrily jerk off into their direction.

So never start an argument.  Never start with any conviction, or a strong opinion, and certainly not with the intention to convince anyone of anything.

Instead, start a discussion.  A discussion is an argument without egos.  It’s uncertain.  It’s open.  It’s welcoming.  It creates a magical fantasy world where you’re both tolerant adult human beings, who can see each others’ points and be swayed.

So how do we create this fantasy?

2) Admit You Are Wrong As Much as Possible

Think of how jarring it would be to be in an argument with somebody, and then to suddenly have them admit they were wrong about something.  It’s hard to even fathom, right?

It’s because the desire to be correct is linked so directly to believing we’re smart and capable.  So to feel wrong is to feel weak and stupid.  But in reality, since we’re all wrong about everything all the time, being wrong is not a sign of weakness.  It’s a sign of being human–like unfortunate body hair, or the over-consumption of flour.

And anyone that has the courage to admit they were wrong is stronger than all of us.  They are secure enough to go to a place psychologically we all desperately try to avoid.  That takes a strong person with a strong, sexy brain.

When you stop in the middle of an argument and say, “Oh I guess I’m wrong about that,” fireworks should go off all around you as you slowly strut away in silhouette and death metal blasts through some unseen speakers.  An audience should appear and give you a standing ovation as a hired peasant gives you a back rub, and a waitress on rollerblades brings you a platter of fresh lobster.

That’s how rare, and amazing, and badass admitting you’re wrong is.  It’s hard to change a widespread perspective, but if we try really hard to accept the baddassery of being wrong, then maybe we can at least stop caring so much about being right.

If we can all care less about being right, the entire dynamic of the way we talk to each other will change.  The world itself will completely change.  Up will down.  Black will be white.  U2 will be tolerable.  Discussions that have been stagnant for centuries will break open in a way they previously weren’t, we’ll actually be able to make progress in areas previously stuck in mud.  WE WILL EVEN LIKE EACH OTHER MORE!

Nothing I just said is an exaggeration (other than that U2 would be tolerable).  That’s how powerful this would be.

3) R-E-S-P-E-C-T, MY IDIOTIC BELIEFS

“I don’t have to respect beliefs that are stupid,” is a common refrain.  You’ll often hear argumentative atheists use this to say that they don’t have to respect religious beliefs that have no basis in science.

And look, I get the desire to chastise people who you like to pretend are beneath you.  But if want any hope of anything resembling a civil, productive discussion, then you do have to respect even the craziest horseshit.

Or at least you have to pretend like you do.  You have to nod solemnly as your nana goes on about how “Obama’s a Muslim” even if on the inside, you’re thinking, “Nana’s a fucking moron.”

So how do we do that?  How do we pretend to respect insane beliefs?

This starts with ending our culture-wide habit of discrediting people.  We discredit because we’re embarrassingly fucking lazy, and discrediting allows you to determine someone is wrong without actually having to prove anything.  Some popular forms of discrediting are:

“If you like x, you’re an idiot.”
“You’re going to hell.”
“You just believe whatever Fox/the liberal media/Raffi tells you to.”

That last one is really common, and sure, sometimes it is valid.  But step back and think for a second.  What you’re essentially saying there is, “You, an adult human being, are too small-minded to think for yourself.  You only believe what others tell you, because you are a child, and your opinions–and thereby the calculations of your pea-sized brain–deserve zero respect.”

If you’re like me, you may read that and think, “Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean by that.” But the problem is that doesn’t change your Uncle Todd’s mind.  It just makes him think you’re a disrespectful little shit, because you kinda are (even though you might also be kinda right).

And also, Todd still has an internet connection.  He can still call a talk radio show.  He can still rant to a subway full of confused strangers.  He still has a vote.  You dismissing him probably just made him more likely to do all of that.  Congrats on making yourself feel better though.

If you want to actually remove a belief that’s stitched onto someone’s ego, you can’t just scream at it, or flail about, and hope it falls off.  You have to remove the belief ever-so-carefully, stitch by stitch–no matter how batshit crazy it is.

This means you have to respond to, “I think the moon is made of goat cheese and sun flares are due to Nigerian souls burning in space-hell,” with, “Okay, interesting.  Why do you think that?”

And you even have to do this with people who are, well, deplorable.

4) Be Nice to Misogynist, Racist, Homophobic Assholes!

Okay.  OKAY.  I know that sounds bad.  And I know it’s easy for me to say as a straight white dude who doesn’t have to deal with the shit that others do.  I really get it.  And prejudiced people do NOT deserve your respect or love.

But–and this is important–this is not about what they deserve.  It’s about how to most effectively change their views.  Anger and accusation can be justified, and they can change policy, but they don’t change people, and there’s a reason why.  Let’s take racism as an example.

In the context of today’s world, “racist” is just about the most damning thing you can call somebody.  It’s about a half step above “rapist” and a half step below “terrorist.”  If you don’t believe me, just stand back and watch as white people jump through flaming hoops into beds of nails to avoid the label.

It’s because in our binary, hyperbolic, buzzword-filled (and historically hideous) world, we don’t see different levels of racism.  There’s no nuance.  As soon as somebody is called a racist (be it for a bad slur, or a stupid Halloween costume), images are conjured up of Klansmen, Nazis, and Donald Trump.

On a subconscious level, “racist” automatically communicates, “You are a horrific monster.”  It’s not a discussion topic.  It’s just a more specific way of saying, “Fuck that guy.”

Sometimes you just want to feel better, and that’s fine.​  So if you’re not really trying to change the racist, then sure, go ahead.  Say, “Fuck that guy,” and fart on them, and move on.

But most racists aren’t Klansmen, and they’re not that far gone.  They’re just people who have never met a Muslim person, or who have never seen an Asian drag race, or who are lashing out because they’re addicted to meth and unemployment and half the internet keeps telling them they have an unfair advantage in life.

They’re way more ignorant than they are evil, and they’re certainly not hopeless, so essentially calling them monsters isn’t beneficial.  Any harsh accusation like this makes a potentially productive discussion into a combustible sinkhole of reason and progress, where the best you can hope for is somebody pretending to no longer be racist so you stop guilting them.

So we need another way to discuss this, and I think we’ve finally found it.  I noticed this when watching the first debate (between bouts of cry-vomiting) when the moderator asked, “Do you believe that police are implicitly biased against black people?”

Boom.  Fucking nailed it.  The phrase “implicitly biased” 100% replaced “racist” there, but because he didn’t say “racist,” a discussion about race was able to be had without the room collectively shitting their pants.

And that’s the key.  Whether it’s about race, or trans people, or whether or not the guy you just hugged was sniffing your hair, approach the discussion with sensitivity of a hostage negotiation.  Don’t walk through a minefield in a world where we have planes.  Find other words or other ways to discuss these sensitive topics.  It’s very easy if you’re trying to accomplish something other than making you and your side feel better.

And try to believe in the good of the other person.  There are many, many fundamentally good people with fundamentally horrific beliefs, and that’s important to remember.  Even your asshole uncle contains multitudes, man.

So please, talk to everyone with the overwhelming assumption that they are, in their heart, a good person who has been lead astray, because to some degree, that describes all of us.  

In order to “win” arguments, you have to not care that you’re going to win.  That is the only way the other person will believe that you really understand and sympathize with them.  If you don’t do that, they will always think you, “just don’t get it,” and as right as you feel, you will get nowhere.

So just remember before the next time you fly off the handle and throw your keyboard at someone via Facebook, or throw a turkey leg at your grandma’s face, that progress only begins when you’re able to take a deep breath, look that other person in the eye, and calmly say “Okay.  Here’s why, in my humble opinion, Obama is not secretly working for ISIS.”