By 
The main reason people don’t change isn’t that they don’t want to. Even the most delusional of us with the Godliest of complexes would like to change about a million things about ourselves. Even Kanye wishes he could be taller. Even Donald Trump wishes he could be tanner. Even Jesus was like, “Nah dudes, I’m like for realsies not that special.” (John 6:15)
And if we could snap our fingers and make huge changes to our personalities, thoughts, habits, and the way we look in yoga pants, every single one of us would.
But we can’t just snap our fingers and that’s the real problem. Change isn’t something you just do, and we know it, which is why, “People don’t change,” is a common cliche. When we think about changing ourselves, we think back to our failed attempts to change in the past, and look at how stubborn old people are, and we conclude that real, tangible, human change is impossible.
But it’s not impossible. It’s just a massive, unknowable undertaking, and that’s really intimidating.
Basically changing who you are is the Gold Rush. It takes way longer than you think, you don’t really know where you’re going, and you’re held back by the fear that you might end up so desperate and lost, that you’re left with no choice but to eat your cousin.
And–AND–your primary motivation for all of this struggle is some gold that you don’t even know exists. You don’t know that being kinder, or a better listener, or having thinner thighs will really make your life better. California seems like the promise land, but in reality, you’re going through this massive, harrowing journey based on a guess.
So we usually just forego the journey completely, and instead, look at our repulsive faces in the mirror, sigh, and say, “Well, I guess this is what I’m dealing with, huh?”
Or in other words: “I guess I’ll just stay in West Virginia.”
It’s hard to fault that decision, but let’s pretend for a second that you do want to change yourself–that you want to take the journey to be the best possible version of yourself that you can be. Let’s run with the idea that you want to go on your own Gold Rush.
Where Do We Start?
It seems like such an impossible question, doesn’t it? “How exactly do I become more disciplined in my creative pursuits? How do I get more dates? How do I become more marketable to employers?”
To us, these problems feel like trying to figure out a Good Will Hunting math problem, only none of us are Matt Damon. We’re all Ben Affleck, and for the love of God, Ben Affleck needs help.
The good news is that, after decades of research, I have devised an incredibly complex three step-process that’s a nearly foolproof way to change for the better.
1) Google ways to do the thing you want to do.
2) Try stuff until it doesn’t work.
3) Repeat.
Jesus Christ, people. It’s 2016. Figuring out how to do things isn’t complicated. You’re running dangerously low on excuses as it is. I wouldn’t waste one on “Googling is hard.”
But This Will Take Forever!
Sometimes we know what we have to do to change, and that’s even worse, because we see just how long and terrifying the journey is, and we don’t know if we can face it. Crossing the country on foot, and changing your traits and habits both take boundless energy, stamina, and wherewithal, which is probably why a bunch of old people died in the mountains (and won’t learn Facebook).
But here’s the really important thing to remember there: it’s okay that that this is challenging. It’s okay that you’ll continuously fuck up your attempts to be better. It’s okay that it will take forever before you become less judgmental, or quit smoking, or listen to other human beings.
That is all fine, because the only thing worse than dredging through that harrowing, painstaking, trial-and-error journey is staying in Kentucky for the rest of your life (Yes offense to Kentucky).
Pushing against the tide that is your habits and your tendencies is brutal, challenging, and above all else, really fucking boring, but at the end of it, you’ll be in California!
And there…okay I’ll level with you. California’s far from perfect. The taxes are higher, traffic sucks, and the regulations can be exhausting. Also there’s zero fucking gold. I don’t know who sold on that pile of shit, but you should go kick his ass.
Changing things about yourself doesn’t make everything amazing right away. You’ll quit smoking, and you’ll live longer, but you’ll miss it every day. Or you’ll do more considerate things, but no one will really notice. Or you’ll call your grandma more, but neither of you will get anything from it. You almost definitely won’t experience some life revolution.
But you will be a better version of yourself, and as “after school special” as it sounds, that’s its own form of gold. You’ll not only have dropped bad habits, or improved your life skills, but this journey ensures you’ll see more, do more, and learn more. You’ll be a stronger, more seasoned, more disciplined, more capable human being, and that will make your life better than it currently is.
But What if I Fail?
That’s possible, right? You could forego all of the time you would have spent catching up on your favorite Food Network show, and eating oily sugar bread, and instead invest all of this time and energy into trying to be a changed, improved you…and you could still fail. You could still fall back on your same awful habits. You could still die in the Sierras.
Fortunately I have a nearly foolproof way of avoiding that and guaranteeing some level of success. It’s very simple conceptually, but a very, very difficult to actually do.
You just don’t give up. Ever.
That’s it. You never, ever give up on the idea of being a better version of yourself. You fuck up, you come up short, and then you try again, and again, and again, and again until you’re dead.
This means that you don’t get discouraged, and don’t give up when you’re 64 and find yourself still eating raw cookie dough while rewatching DVRed Wheel of Fortune episodes and jerking off every time Vanna is on screen.
Don’t give up on quitting your grotesque habit. Instead just slap yourself, and vow that tomorrow, you’re going to stop. And believe that you can do this, because you absolutely can.
Make The Journey
It’s possible your change will happen quickly. Sometimes it does, and if so, great. But never, ever expect it to. This is a big country you have to cross, and you have to accept that, and expect it to take a while. That may mean in a year, you’re only slightly less awful than you are now, but that in five, you’re way less awful.
But slow progress is still infinitely better than no progress. You can make that Oregon Trail journey from being a monster into being a good person. You just have to make stops at “Complete Asshole” “Kinda a dick” “Mediocre guy” and “Heavily flawed but heart is in the right place” (I think that’s Utah) on the way there. But you will get there.
So do something. Try. Don’t settle on the current shitty version of you. It can get better. You can get better and you will. Believing is the first step of about a million. Most roads don’t lead to California, but every once in a while, you’ll find something you can try, and that can help you become a decent, kind, loving, less insufferable individual, and that road will be worth traveling.
