By 
So where do we begin on this journey? I’ll start with a little about myself!My body is a pile of fucking garbage. Seriously, it’s terrible. There’s a good body in there, but it’s buried underneath an inch thick layer of prosciutto and goat cheese. I look like Michael Cera after a trip to Souplantation. It’s gross.
So I’ve decided to diet. I found this study, which compares major diets, and it seems to imply that Weight Watchers is slightly more effective than others for weight loss.
So good. That settles it then. I’ll join up with some soccer moms, put on some spandex, learn the points system, and–well actually this article makes good points. Weight Watchers doesn’t teach you to have a balanced diet. So okay, forget Weight Watchers then. Back to square one.
Maybe I’ll go with Atkins. Yeah, Atkins! This study says it led to more weight loss in pre-menopausal women than others, and I love cheese. I would suck a block of cheddar’s dick if I could. So alright! Sounds like killing the carbs is absolutely the best course of action. Atkins!
Except that this meta-analysis says that Atkins and other low carb diets impair “flow mediated dilatation.” I have no idea what the fuck that means, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want it. So okay. Something else then.
Maybe I’ll go vegetarian. I’m looking around and I’m not seeing anything saying it’s bad for you…oh, except for this study says that vegetarians in some countries tested as having low B12.
So…fuck!
I have no other choice. I have to exercise. And since every diet out there seems like it wants me to die, I’ll have to exercise a shit ton if I want to lose weight, and–too much exercise can cause arrhythmia? God damn it!
Well fuck everything. Now I’m just hungry. Let’s focus on your problems.
The Certainty Delusion
I’m about to tell you one of the most important things a person can know. It’s something that nobody fully understands–myself included–but I think it’s the foundation to leading a life that is more authentic, more educational, and therefore hopefully more fulfilling.
But it’s something that we’ll only ever remember if we’re constantly reminding ourselves. So my idea is to make a daily affirmation that you write on your bathroom mirror. You know, like some might say, “You are enough,” or “You are limitless.”
My affirmation is this.
Know this is true, my friends. Feel it. Let it be your mantra as you meander through your stupid existence.
In fact, let’s do a group exercise. I want you to take every opinion that you have, and not have it any more. You’ve lost your opinion privileges because you have failed to realize that you’re an asshole and you know nothing.
And I can say that, because this is true of every human being I have ever met (especially that Will Penney asshole).
Here’s what I mean.
We all know that most reality TV is fake. We know that the shows are a big pile of editing tricks. We know that situations are staged, and manipulated. We know that we can’t really know these people and that we’re seeing a false representation of reality. We know this.
And yet, we become invested. We say with complete confidence, “That lady’s crazy!” “That guy is an dipshit,” “I can’t believe that housewife curb-stomped her baby!” We treat it as if it’s 100% real when we know it’s not.
And that’s fine. Reality TV doesn’t matter. It’s entertainment.
The problem is that this is also our attitude towards every bit of information we take in about everything. Humans are in a constant state of assuming, pre-judging, and wandering confidently through a jungle of dangerous, unknowable, chaotic bullshit.
We love opinions. We have opinions on everything–war, economics, feminism in furry fetishes. We form opinions as soon as we get any information on a topic—a headline, a sound bite, a meth addict’s description. We love to exchange opinions and act like we’ve informed each other. We have the nerve to call this a “conversation” as if something productive just happened. It’s like going to Applebee’s and saying you just had a meal. No you didn’t. You created busy work for your rectum.
Even those of us that seem well-informed constantly pass on information we don’t understand. We’ll do what I did up there. We’ll read that “a study showed” something, and then we’ll strut through life thinking we know a new fact. We regurgitate “a study showed” like Jesus himself barfed the idea into our stupid heads.
Oh, so a study showed that?
Who funded the study?
What might their motivations be?
Was it blind? Double blind?
Peer reviewed?
What’s the track record of the people behind the study?
How did they arrive at this information?
Did it follow the scientific method?
Are these exact findings relevant within the context of your life?
Have other studies conflicted with this one at all?
If so, how do all of these questions apply to them?
Do you have answers to any of this? Or did you just read, “a study showed,” in a sensationalizing, oversimplifying bullshit article, and take it as a fact, you unbelievable dolt?
(If this all sounds rehearsed it’s because I ask myself all of this at least twice a day.)
If you don’t know these answers, then passing this off to others as actual knowledge is like peeing on a rock and telling people you have some gold for them.
But here’s the crazy part: even people who fully understand the research on a topic–the elite amongst us–still don’t really know anything. Remember: the most prominent scientific findings once resulted in this monstrosity.
And this isn’t from back when pregnant women were smoking, or kids were still dragging around a shitty Polio leg. This is from when I grew up. Around a decade ago, our best scientific findings told us that if you were hungry, you should just pull out a baguette and start deep-throating that motherfucker. They conducted real research and that was their conclusion.
But that’s the great thing, and the FUCKING HORRIFYING thing about science. Every fact is fragile, and a new study can always prove what we know to be horseshit. So while real scientific consensus is the best thing we have to go off of–we still must all remember….
How We Pretend to Know
We’re constantly strutting around, holding our bags of rocks covered in pee, thinking we’re rich with gold, and then we wonder why we feel broke and nobody wants to be near us. And this happens in so many ways we don’t even realize. Here are just a few.
1. Trusting The Media That We….Don’t Trust
We all do this all the time. We’ll laugh for ten minutes at a video of Jon Stewart ripping CNN’s asshole apart, and then we’ll change the channel to CNN! Like for news! Not to point and laugh at the fact that Wolf Blitzer is talking to a hologram, but to actually hear what Princess Cooper has to say!
I mean what the hell is wrong with us? We seem to all agree that news reports are mostly intended to horrify you, anger you, or get you to click through their slideshow of the 8 Sexiest Drone Casualties. And we know this alters and manipulates any pertinent facts in a story. So why do we rely on this for information? Why do we continue to dwell in what we already know is the Chaotic Bullshit Jungle?
2. Confirmation Bias
Many get lost in confirmation bias. They subscribe to a political team or a cause like they’re a fucking football fan, and find bias everywhere except for in the news source that tells them what they want to hear. And sure, Fox News viewers whining about the liberal media is the most transparent example, but bias truly is everywhere–your natural food site, your feminist blogger, your anti-baby-murder news aggregator–all of it. Bias clouds facts, warps reality, and is a totally inevitable part of humanity.
3. Pulling Knowledge Out of Thin Air
Sometimes we just form opinions out of fucking nothing. I used to be so anti-war. I used to think every war we were in was about the military industrial complex, and that attacking countries only made us less safe.
But then one day I realized, “Wait a minute. I literally know zero of these things.” This might shock you, but I actually don’t know any terrorists. So I don’t know if they’re plotting to attack us, or how, or why. I don’t know if they’ll stop attacking us if we stop bombing seemingly random areas of Mesopotamia. This is all total guesswork. The information we need to know is at best twisted, and at worst confidential or unknowable, so how can I possibly feel justified in getting outraged over it? How do so many of you manage it all the time? Honestly, I can’t fathom some of the shit people think they understand.
How dare you–HOW DARE YOU have opinions on the economy. Economists with PhDs will give ten different opinions on one little part of the economy. No one really seems to fully understand it, and yet, here you come, Captain Dipshit….
“If we raise taxes, this is what will happen…”
“Oh well let me tell you something about the minimum wage…”
“Here’s how you create more jobs…”
Oh is that what you do? Is it? That’s how we fix this gigantic clusterfuck with over 318,000,000 moving parts, and 16.8 trillion dollars in GDP, on which you’ve taken one junior college course?
What the fuck do you know about anything?
We need to do something to address this. But before we fix the problem, we need to answer one primary question.
Why Are We Like This?
To be clear, I hate me more than I hate you, because I realize this shit, and I still do it (see: this entire page), and I can’t figure out why. What is it about this world that leads me–all of us–towards this?
Having an opinion, especially if you can convince other people of it, makes you feel relevant. It gives you a sense of identity. It can make you feel like you’re safely under an umbrella with others in your tribe, or it can make you feel like a beautiful snowflake floating above a flock of simpletons that don’t see what you see. Or if you live in Los Angeles, both.
And certainty is comfortable. Solutions are comfortable. That’s why partisanship is so cozy. It makes us feel so close to a perfect world–that all we have to do is outvote the bad guys, and then suddenly we’re in Utopia.
And likewise, we want to believe that if we just take this one supplement, that we’ll never get cancer, if we avoid gluten we’ll never get fat, and that if we just do what the rich black lady says, that our lives will be perfect, and we’ll find a Pontiac under our chairs.
But unfortunately, all of this is total horseshit. The world is a multi-faceted, multi-layered mess where no one is right or wrong or bad or good. And pretending like everybody who disagrees with you is a misogynist, America-hating, racist, socialist, gun nut child molester because it helps you feel more secure in your perfectly defined beliefs is no solution.
And somewhere deep down in our soul, I think we know that we know nothing. This is why we instinctively bow to the alpha who stands on the highest rock, blows a conch shell, and confidently yells his nonsense. Our monkey brains tell us to follow them, because we want so badly for there to be somebody out there who actually has it all figured out. So we believe in them, and we demand solutions, regardless of whether or not they exist. We expect hard and fast decisions so that we can move forward…or backwards. Or into moving traffic. Whatever! Just stop pussyfooting and lead us!
The problem is that all of those things lead to nothing but a bunch of blonde women and dudes in suits talking out of their ass to appease a nation of yahoos who are just itching to get furious about something.
The Power of Ignorance
So that’s the key. We have to come to terms with the fact that it’s not just us. Nobody really knows what to do, and anybody that pretends to know is full of shit. If we stop following those who yell confidently about their pee rocks, others will stop expecting us to know everything, and then we can move forward without our fake shields of certainty and progress as people–instead of clinging to some kind of nationwide father figure like the weird big hairy children that we are.
This is the world we need to create because not only does the Chaotic Bullshit Jungle suck for everyone because we’re all surrounded by bullshit, but guess what? It sucks specifically for you too.
When you put a stake down on your pursuit of knowledge and call it “certainty” what you’re really saying is, “there is nothing else I need to learn about this.” You have given up on pursuing information, so you learn less, you judge more, and as a result, you meander through life wearing a big black blindfold. And when you’re going through life blinded, well of course you’re going to be disconnected. Of course you’re not going to be who you want, or have what you want. You’re not Ray fucking Charles. You’re just some asshole, and you need eyes.
I know all of this sounds bad. I know that makes it sound like the pursuit of real knowledge is totally hopeless, because well, it is. And I know that sucks.
Or does it? Maybe it doesn’t have to.
Maybe our problem is that instead of seeing knowledge as something with a finish line, we should see it as an infinite pursuit. Maybe it’s not even knowledge we should seek, but rather an ever-improving understanding. Maybe we shouldn’t put a stake down in this imaginary land of certainty, and maybe instead we’re meant to keep exploring. Maybe once we realize we can never really know anything, we’ll actually learn more than anyone else has.
Maybe if we do this, we’ll seek to always understand more instead of rushing to judge. And maybe that will connect us more to the world around us. And maybe when we’re more connected to reality, we can finally be ready to thrive in reality, instead of just in our stupid dreams.
Or maybe not. I don’t fucking know.
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